Unmerciful

  All I need now are fucking answers that I can't find. Why?
I was just talking to someone. I was praying...I guess. And then I was blaming and asking and...I don't really know. I don't think it was God,I was never faithfull...but,I felt like it was something behind human life,something behind my crazy mind,that I will never understand. Actually,I've never understood myself,but neither have others.
Always listening the same music.The same song.The same lyrics. Sometimes it may happen to remember the lyrics after the first time I hear a song...and sometimes I just can't,even if I listen to the same stupid song again and again and again...
Pff...it's just so terrifying,there are so many moments when I feel like a puppet,like marionette. Usually,in those times I use to listen a song with the same name "Marionette". And sometimes I just feel so alive like "I just wanna live/Don't really care about the things that they say/Don't really care about what happens to me/I just wanna live"... 
So,this is who I really am?-Someone who doesn't even know who she really is?